You hear it all the time: love yourself! But what does that even mean?

Who is loving what? How would that even work?

I don’t know about you but that’s what I would always think when I heard, love yourself! How would we do that? Bubble baths and pedicures? I mean, always nice, but not exactly life-changing.

IFS gave me some clues about that. A starting place, anyway. When your Self opens to one of your parts, you get a feeling of a transfer happening — love, going from one being to another, both of whom are you.

It doesn’t mean, love the good things about yourself. It means, approach your worst parts with curiosity and compassion. Listen to what they’re trying to do for you, what scared them so badly. Like a good parent with an acting-out kid, try to understand and offer hope and kindness. And forgiveness. Don’t punish, scold, blame, or send them away. Love them.

Have you ever seen a child play with a doll? We know how to do this. In those moments — however fleeting — someone shows us good care, we eat that shit right up. We recognize it for the gift that it is, we internalize it We cry and smile and feel satisfied when we see it re-enacted in front of us, Governess Maria not telling the Captain when we left a toad in her chair or stayed out in the rain with Rolf, getting our father to open his arms in love when we sing about flowers.

So, not just loving the ones who are easy to love, but also the ones who aren’t. Not just the Marshas; also the Jans.

You have no idea what it’s like to sit across from people while they discover this love for their shamed parts exists inside them. Amazing.