Some partners are reluctant to start therapy … understandably so.

For some people, the prospect of “digging up the past” or “looking at my stuff” or “sharing our intimate life with a complete stranger” sounds as terrifying (or stupid) as jumping out of an airplane without a parachute.

There are many reasons you might be reluctant to do therapy. Maybe you think that it’s for weak people, or for only really (really) “troubled” relationships.

Men, in particular, have been taught to repress their emotions, show a strong, brave face to the world, and never betray any weakness. Others, irregardless of gender, may be feeling responsible for the state of the relationship and are overwhelmed by feelings of shame and guilt. And then there are those who have been so disappointed in relationships in the past, with other intimate partners or early caregivers, who think, “Nothing will ever change, why bother?” So the idea of saying to a stranger, my partner is unhappy, I’m sad and lonely, I made mistakes, please help us — well, poke my eye out with a stick, right? Whatever the source, reluctant partners’ feelings of fear, aversion, or doubt are very real, and very understandable.

It may be helpful for hesitant partners hear about my approach. Whatever has happened in the past, I will meet you with acceptance and compassion today. In intimate partner therapy, my aim is not to fix people, but relationships, if they can be fixed, and if both partners want this. If not (and this is a decision only the partners can make, not the therapist), my aim then becomes helping you separate and continue to care for yourselves and your family in the best way possible.

Good therapists don’t judge, or take sides, or “gang up” on their clients. They listen with respect, authenticity, and acceptance. In my mind, at least, a healthy relationship does not require “compromise,” which is a soup that nobody wants to eat. Healthy relationships are win-win.

So if your relationship does not feel win-win, you can take steps to change it. Most couples wait too long to come to therapy. They often see it as a “last resort,” long after feelings of bitterness and resentment have settled in and eroded any good feelings they once had. Or they have counseling before marriage, and see it as one-and-done. It’s possible that some of us were born instinctively knowing how to do relationships — but unlikely. There are so many ways to make your intimate partnerships better, and sooner rather than later is here, as in changing the oil in your car, far better than waiting until the mechanic tells you there’s nothing they can do.

A Word About Affairs

A couple rocked by an intimate betrayal sits before me. The betrayed partner is in the grip of agonizing fantasies about the other and their affair partner, fighting back tears, overwhelmed by anger, fear, doubt, and deep grief. The betraying partner sits alone, head hung low, entangled in shame, guilt and dread, and a particular grief of their own that they dare not share. I look at them and begin to breathe out compassion, healing, and nonjudgmental acceptance to both, because each partner needs to be met where they are. We begin where we are. When this couple has begun to heal, making repairs and uncovering the longings of their hearts, they can then decide whether or not to take the opportunity before them: To say good-bye to the relationship they thought they had, and to once again choose each other to trust, honor and love.

Those of us who have studied relationships typically take a “no fault” stance. We try to encourage our clients to take responsibility for their own part in the relational dance. After an affair, the betrayed partner does not want to hear, “It’s nobody’s fault.” To be fair, one partner shoulders the responsibility for having stepped outside the marriage. This cannot be ignored; amends must be made, and a full acknowledgement of the injury made. Later, motivated by the desire to put the relationship back together, this injured partner may decide to look at their part in constructing a relationship that was not affair-proof. For some people, this may never happen. For those who can, however, they will be taking the first step toward full recovery of trust and love.

My affair recovery work is based on Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT), a series of concrete steps the couple will take to heal relational injuries, re-commit to one another, and re-form the relationship in ways that build bonding, trust, and intimacy.