Women with ADHD: Gender roles, neurodiversity, and well-being

I had a moment the other day that so beautifully captured for me what it’s been like to discover as an adult woman that I’ve struggled with uncontrolled symptoms of ADHD my whole life.

I picked up a sewing project I’d abandoned months ago to see if I couldn’t finish it. What I found was disheartening. I had made a careless mistake without having double-checked the pattern. As I sat there picking out an endless number of tiny stitches, I found myself thinking something like, “No wonder I never finish anything … I’m always cleaning up after this idiot! And she can’t even sew straight!”

And in that moment I was stuck. I’d barely even begun and I was already frustrated with myself, past, present and future. (I messed it up before, I’m messing it up now, I’ll mess it up again in the future.) If I were my own assistant I’d fire the fool. I mean, I have enough problems of my own, I cannot work with someone so careless!

For me, living with ADHD means constantly being aware of the distance between my perception of my worthiness and my actual abilities. Why is it that so many women always seemed to do with ease what I could not—have dinner parties, remember important facts about friends, regularly shower? So many of our cultural expectations of women rely on our ability to plan, organize and carry out an enormous range of tasks, the million little pieces that go into raising decent beings, keeping a presentable home, and nurturing extended family relationships, all while prevent the onslaught of age, fat and droopiness.

My work is to soften and forgive myself while continuing to trudge ever onward. For women with executive function challenges, the first step always is to have compassion for ourselves. Like me, you’ve probably tried beating and bullying yourself into submission, compliance, neurotypicality, and maybe even realized that it just makes things worse.

If you are an adult woman and you think you might have ADHD, check out Sari Solden’s self-assessment (and amazing books!) here. And call me for a free consultation so we can see if I can help!