Premeditated Resentment: Our unconscious expectations
The famous drag queen Katya Zamolodchikova once said, famously, that expectations are premeditated resentments.
And we all have them, especially in our intimate relationships. From the time we’re children, we are taught what to expect from love. Usually it’s along the lines of perfect understanding, unwaveringly shared interests, and the constant showing of love in exactly the right ways, not too much, not too little, not in this way, but in that.
And when we don’t get those things, problems arise. They usually take the form of, my partner doesn’t really care for me. My partner knows what I want, and they still won’t give it to me, so there must be something wrong with them … or with me.
I follow a spritual mentor on YouTube named BK Shivani who demonstrates how having unconscious expectations impacts relationships. She points to a man in the audience and says, why didn’t you wear a white shirt today. Because you didn’t wear a white shirt today my day is ruined. You did not know I expected this and I did not let you know I expected this, but you have not worn a white shirt in my day is ruined because I expected you to do that. I resent you. I’m angry at you. And I’m disappointed with you. It is your fault that I am in pain.
But whose fault is it really? Who created the expectation? Who created the negative thought, I need you to wear a white shirt, and not a red one. Red means you love me and care for me. You must not really care about me if you didn’t wear a red shirt today. And who created the thought, Who is responsible for this pain and who will heal this pain?
Me, in all cases.
I created the pain, I created the expectation, I created my negative energy, and my negative thoughts. I am responsible for my pain.
I know this is a ridiculous example, of course, but this is so common. We say, well I asked my partner to clean out my car and they didn’t do it. So they must not care. We make these equations in our minds and most of the time we don’t even know that we’re doing it but you can see from the white shirt example that one person’s expectation of the other can look very arbitrary.
Notice also the double arrow, as the Buddhists say. First arrow: You didn’t clean out my car. That hurts. Second arrow: You do not care for me. That really hurts. We use the second arrow metaphor to illustrate that life is full of painful experiences that we make even more painful with our thoughts about our experiences. So now I don’t just have a dirty car, I have a dirty car and a partner who's an asshole.
My clients want to know what is fair. Isn't it fair to expect? Of course. But we have to ask ourselves, am I basing what you can do on what I can do. I can bend for you. Remember when I did XYZ? That was me bending for you. So why can’t you bend for me? Shivani says, just like flexibility and strength in our bodies, we have different flexibility and strengths in our emotional intelligence and maturity. Just because I can do a backbend does not mean you can do a backbend. Well, it’s so simple you say. It is so simple for you. It may not be so simple for your partner.
Our minds are messy and complicated places. Especially in the west, we like to believe that we can just pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, that our behavior is entirely in our conscious control, and that if I can do it, you can do it.
But we see that this is not true. I do care about you. My inability to do a backbend has nothing to do with how much I care about you. I can’t care about you more and be more motivated to do a backbend, since I don't associate those two things.
Oftentimes we are creating our own suffering because we find it difficult to accept that our partner has a different reality from ours, a different way of valuing and behaving in the world. My family wouldn’t dream of opening presents on Christmas Eve. Somebody else’s family loves opening one present each on Christmas Eve. So who is right? The answer is nobody is right, because this is just different ways of doing things, both with their upsides and downsides. But it can feel so wrong, and then we look for a location of the wrongness: You … or me.
It is our job in life to learn to be flexible, and to love another person as best we can, whether that’s a life partner, a child, a parent, a friend. I really believe this. Relationships help us grow as humans on earth. If you do not have the backband that I have, my complaining about that is not going to help. My expecting you to have a backbend when you don’t is only going to make things worse between us, and create so much negativity in my own head that I don’t really need. And standing there demanding that you do a backbend isn't creating conditions in which you can learn to back bend. But what I can do is I can help you learn to back bend, if that is something you want to do. It may or may not be.
How do we do this?
Shivani encourages us to practice radical acceptance. We start small. Think about one little habit that seems unacceptable in your partner. Don’t start with the worst thing. This is a skill in a mindset that grows over time. I start by accepting this one small thing that you do that I don't like, and I don’t let it create negativity in me. Just maybe something a little bit annoying. And today just resolve that you will not create negativity in your mind about this habit anymore. Starting today just determine, I will no longer have negative thoughts about that behavior. I don’t have to have positive thoughts, I can just reach for neutral thoughts. It is what it is. Neither good nor bad. Then the next small behavior, then the next, and I work my way up toward the bigger things, and I can extend this practice of not creating my own negativity to other people in my life and eventually to all people in the world. This is the Buddhist practice known as metta, loving-kindness, universal goodwill. And it makes life -- and relationships -- much, much easier.
