Couples’ Cheat Sheet
(Cuz nothing says I'm pissed like throwing potatoes!)
Here's an amazing -- oops, I almost said cheat-sheet! -- ok, why not! A cheat-sheet for couples in crisis. The most common forms of couple crises are sexual infidelity, financial betrayal, and emotional withdrawal. But there are other betrayals! Spilling their secrets, aligning with their friend of family member, not telling me I had something on my face at dinner, horrible things said in anger that I now cannot forget; and really, you don't consider that text you just sent sexting? Whatever the circumstances, relational betrayal is very much like anything else that would cause PTSD: It feels life-threatening, immediate, and devastating.
This "crisis plan" (that's probably better than "cheat sheet") can help.
Every day, set aside a specific and limited time to discuss any feelings or questions that have come up during the day. Knowing you will have this time every day will help your hurt, angry and defensive parts to stay calm during the rest of the day. But do not skip this step. Even though it's painful, setting aside this time is critical. This time is not past 7pm and not when anyone has been drinking.
Choose a place and a time of day any children won't overhear you. If your kids are old enough to understand you can say that you are working through some angry feelings you are having. They do not need to know why and you should not tell them. "Grown-up stuff" is enough.
Decide that for at least this week you won't use the word "divorce" or explore any exit strategies. If you feel you must, use parts language: "A part of me feels like I just want to leave."
Find separate places to sleep and be alone in your house for this week. You will each need a "safe space" you can retreat to in order to heal. If at all possible both partners should stay in the house, especially if there are children. Move-outs, even temporary, cause huge shifts to family systems.
Get in touch with your individual or relational counselor ASAP. Yes, this is the kind of thing we want to know about! If you don't have one, get yourself an individual counselor.
Find a couples' counselor as soon as possible – look for a marriage & family therapist (MFT) trained in recovery repair. We book up quickly and often can't even keep wait lists. You will likely need to reach out to several who serve your area. If you don't have any where you live, check the nearest big city in your state, as well as universities that may have marriage & family therapy graduate programs. If you don't need the appointment later you can cancel it. But often just having it on the books helps a lot. (Bonus points if the betraying partner takes on this labor. But betrayed partners: Don’t wait for the betraying partner to do this to “prove” that they’re serious. This is help for your mental health and peace of mind.)
You are in crisis and although you may not believe it you do not have all your marbles operating at peak efficiency at the time. Do not make any major decisions about your relationship, living situation, or job until you are out of this crisis phase. Yes, it might feel exactly like the right time to up and leave your partner and move to Juno to train sled dogs. I’m not saying don’t do it; just don’t do it for, say, six months.
Choose one or two people in your inner circle to talk to about the betrayal. Choose carefully – you don’t want anyone who is going to become so emotional and reactive that they can’t let you keep your options open. And you don’t want anyone who is going to tell others, or let you move beyond this at some point (exampes: your viciously protective mother; your judgemental sister; your friend with the “free moustache rides” tee [unless it’s a woman]).
Prioritize self-care. Jung said that our consciousness is like a cork bobbing around in the vast ocean of our subconscious minds. There will be many layers of hurt, pain, anguish, and reactivity for both of you, many of which you won’t be aware of (because they’re SUB-conscious, see?) You might find yourself unaccountably exhausted, or irritable, or foggy. That’s because your mind is extremely busy not falling apart. Take the time you need for yourself. Remember life is long and you get to choose what you do with it, and when.
If you are the betrayed, really think about the questions you feel you may really want to ask your partner about their activities. You won’t be able to “unsee” anything. If you can, wait until you can talk to your therapist. If this relationship is going to be repaired they’re going to have to give you some truth; be careful how much you ask for right now.
If you’re the betrayer, don’t lie, or evade, or become suddenly forgetful. Offer up all passwords, send videos of your surroundings. Answer honestly and kindly. Don’t offer any excuses, defensiveness, or explanations. It’s too soon.
Sorry we ended on 11; 10 would have been nicer. But all important and not to be left out! What else would you add? How did you get through it, when it happened to you?
(Photo by Gustavo Fring)
