The Family as Narcissist
I was reading today about codependents and narcissists -- a particularly toxic relational duo -- and suddenly it hit me: In many households, Mom is the giving, self-sacrificing codependent and the family – life partner/spouse, in-laws, kids and all – is the entitled, endlessly taking and oh-so-charming narcissist.
We know that until a certain age children are, by definition, narcissists: They take without giving and have little empathy for others.
Over time, of course, that changes. Children learn to give back to their caretakers, which requires care and empathy. Unless, that is, they are growing into adult narcissists (1 out of every 16 will, according to some researchers).
But we aren't talking about just the children here, but the whole shebang: The children, the spouse, the house, and the extended family members who all require care and attention. I want to be very clear that I don't think women are the only natural-born nurturers. We just happened to be lucky enough to be rewarded early on for displays of affection, warmth, and care-taking, and learned to develop these incredibly useful and humanitarian skills throughout our lives.
Those of us socialized to use our caregiving skills to gain love and attention (to survive) are vulnerable to the codependent role. One definition of "codependent" is, from Psychology Today, "someone who feels responsible for other people’s feelings, problems, and behaviors to the exclusion of themselves . . . willing to sacrifice their own emotional, mental, and physical wellbeing in order to sustain their relationships and take care of their partners and family members."
Normally we think about codependent-narcissist as two individuals. But my little brain pop this morning gave me a new context in which to think about how and why we moms get so stressed and overwhelmed, ever caught between guilt and resentment in our attempts to make. everybody. happy. And, usually, fully with the knowledge that we are complicit in this game, but have no idea what to do about it.
Like narcissistic individuals, the narcissistic family mass is never going to change the dynamic -- why would they? It's the codependent who is wrung out like an old rag who will benefit from stepping out of this dance.
The best way to do this is by practicing letting go. Codependents may look self-sacrificing but are in fact looking for control. Letting go of how you feel you need to manage and control the narcissistic family unit is a step toward freedom. I honestly really like the Codependents Anonymous steps for this work, although I change the God/higher power to the Self of internal family systems.
Anyone else feeling this?
