how can avoiding orgasm help my sex life?

Dec 19

I’ve been reading lately about “karezza,” the practice of non-orgasmic, non-penetrative sex that is nearly as old as the Buddha himself.

My guides through this erotic landscape are Urban Tantra by Barbara Carrellas, and Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow by Marnia Robinson. And, of course, the internet.

There are many reasons intimate partners might turn to non-genitally focused, non-orgasmic sex. Disabilities, medications, medical conditions, history of trauma or abuse, and stage of life can present challenges that make genital stimulation, penetration, and/or orgasm painful or even impossible.

Couples dealing with betrayal, disconnection, and/or hostility can also benefit from a method of connection that does not require a strict adherence to the march to orgasm. The softer, gentler, quieter karezza practices can be useful in rebuilding trust, safety and secure attachment.

Even in happy couples, goal-directed sex can lead over time to automatic, disconnected, efficient and boring sex, robbing our encounters of joy, sponteneity, and pleasure. Goal-directed sex is often also the cause of impotence or erectile dysfunction in men, something that needs not occur when penetration isn’t necessary.

(Whoa, I just saw that there’s a parallel movement among recovering porn/masturbation “addicts” called NoFap -- you can read more here.)

I know, I know, the whole point of sex is orgasm, right? It’s the equivalent of the nap at the end of yoga -- the only real reason to do it. But what if what we thought was the goal of sex -- orgasm -- is actually what makes sex boring, routine, empty, and a source of conflict in many relationships?

Sex researchers have found that it is common for people to experience dysphoria following an orgasm. In arousal, the brain enjoys a gradual buildup of pleasurable neurotransmitters, which flood the brain upon orgasm. These chemicals then quickly ebb and retreat, like the surf pulling away from the shore, leaving in their wake feelings of exhaustion, depletion, and restlessness.

When you refrain from orgasm, however, your brain enjoys a longer soak in those neurochemicals and a more gradual let-down, avoiding the ill effects of orgasm’s abrupt departure.

Practitioners of karezza, both women and men, say that they feel relaxed, energized and “full of positive energy” throughout the day. In an ABCNews article titled “Men Say Best Sex Comes Without Orgasm,” many of them say they are having more sex -- often on a daily basis.

Why? Because of a few things, I think. One, pleasure-focused sex builds intimate partner bonding -- the feelings we are really after, at the end of the day. Petting, playing, massaging, cuddling, soothing, stroking -- these actions create safety, warmth and comfort between partners, wonderful antidotes to disconnection, resentment and boredom.

And removing the goal of orgasm relieves both partners from the pressure to make sure they both experience one. Men are taught that bringing their partner to orgasm is an indicator of masculine virility; women (and not just hetero, in my experience) have similiarly been told that their partner’s orgasm is their duty, even a moral obligation -- the curse of being a tease, of causing “blue balls.” Failure to live up to these standards cause shame, resentment, and ultimately avoidance.

Finally, when the sole purpose of sex becomes achieving orgasm, other things are often sacrificed, such as safety, well-being, respect, connection and intimacy.

Over time, a couple’s sex life can atrophy and even die, as we find ways to avoid facing our demons. Drinking! Nighttime cleaning! No energy! I don’t want the kids to hear us! Broadening our idea of what constitutes “sex” can help us experience a return to the joyful anticipation that the prospect of an old-fashioned bang used to bring.

For those who are intrigued, the two books listed above are great starting points. Online, Healthline has great ideas for getting started:

Take penetrative play off the table. Rule #1! If this makes you or your intimate partner anxious, you can follow Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow’s protocol for a 3-week ban on intercourse, filled with a wide variety of daily “yin” and “yang” intimate bonding activities which bring you slowly, gently back to orgasm-focused sex over 21 days.
Become a student on pleasure. When we focus on parts of our bodies other than genitalia, we become aware of all the pleasures daily life affords. We can learn how to comfort and caress our partners, without feeling like we should wait for a private opportunity for sexy good times.
Quit asking about orgasm. Doesn’t matter, not the point.
Explore new ways to orgasm. When you return to considering orgasmic sex (which, by the way, many karezza practitioners do not), create new patterns and ways of helping your partner along their orgasmic path. (Not “giving” them one.)
Try edging. This is the ancient practice of pulling yourself back from the brink of orgasm though redirecting attention to other body sensations. You can scratch each other’s scalp, make a joke, use guided breath work. You can find more techniques in the books I mentioned above.