Planning for Failure in Marriage

Given that half of all marriages end in divorce, and that relational betrayal is as impactful as "battlefied" trauma, doesn't it make sense to plan for that not-so-remote possibility?

And yet couples rarely do. They don't want to "ruin" the spirit of the engagement. Or they believe it would "devestate" their partner, or hint of already having one foot out the door.

In my practice I see people who are shocked, devestated, unable to comprehend an affair, or abandonment, or complete disinterest and withdrawal of their important other after years together. And I find myself thinking, "This is a person who really could not afford this betrayal." The affair/abandonment/withdrawal is so deeply wounding, so unforeseen, so traumatic that it leaves them unable to cope, alters their very understanding of reality.

I wondered if there was a connection between emotionasl vulnerability and betrayal in marriage. In other words, does our dependence on the other correlate with their willingness to fuck us over?

Part of the answer may lie in what I hear from couples not in betrayal but definitely heading toward separation. Oftentimes they will tell me, on our one-on-ones, "I would leave but I'm afraid of hurting my spouse."

Now, this might be code for "I don't want to find out that their world does not, in fact, revolve around me," or "I don't know that I can do any better," or any number of fears.

But consider that we might have inadvertently transmitted the message that our survival does depend on this relationship. If our partner is afraid to tell us that they are unhappy, they will take it underground, where it will fester and eventually calcify into passivity or explode into betrayal. If we do not assert and exercise our independence in marriage, we might unknowingly communicate, I can't handle any differentiation, keep that shit to yourself.

This does not mean your spouse's fucked up behavior is your fault. But it does mean we need to take responsibility for ourselves and communicate to the other, Look, whatever happens, I'll be OK. Many couples are afraid to even mention the "whatever" that could happen.

Ideally, this happens before the wedding day. Sure, when I board a plane and the emergency exits are pointed out to me, it's a huge bummer. It certainly does give me more than a moment's discomfort as I take off for the journey of my dreams and I'm reminded that my seat cushion doubles as a flotation device. But then I think, Well, it certainly could be useful to remember that when I'm bobbing with plane parts in the waters of the Atlantic.

And planes go down not nearly as often as marriages end! Being able to say -- and hear -- "Listen, it would suck if we were to end. I love the crap out of you. And I would be sad, and hurt, but I would eventually be OK. I'm made to love people, I love loving people, I would recover and be OK" -- maybe we could free each other to choose each other.

Because at the end of the day, that's what we really want -- to be chosen, not out of fear, but because we make someone happy. I don't know if "if you love something set it free/if it returns, it was meant to be" is true or trite (or both). But I think couples should agree (in writing!) to address conflict in the relationship, take care of themselves to the best of their ability, bring relational needs to each other when appropriate, and, if it becomes in someone's best interest to do so, separate and divorce in the best way possible. All the while, knowing that when we love we will never be perfectly safe, ever again.