Yes You CAN Learn How to Have a Healthy Relationship!

I know that’s a wordy title but I wanted to include -- nay, emphasize -- the word LEARN. Today we are talking about psychoeducation! (I rarely am able to type it without adding “qu'est que ce?” in my head.)

Psychoeducation just means teaching your clients about human psychology and behavior. In another of my former lives I was employed as a teacher, teaching people of all ages how to read critically and write creatively. What I’m doing now is not so different, helping people learn to read themselves with a close eye, and to solve problems with creativity and love.

I can imagine that a lot of people who used to know me would be surprised to hear that teaching others about healthy relating is now my job. I like to say that I was raised by wolves, but the truth is I was raised by a young couple in the 60’s and 70’s who were in over their heads with two children under the age of two. What got you attention in our family was “humor,” quick-wittedness, often expressed by poking at someone else’s fumbled word or other speaking fail. I mistakenly believed verbal sparring to be the currency of the world, and employed it as enthusiastically as others might have shared kind words or compliments, certain I was doing life right.

I made and lost a lot of friends.

And made all the mistakes the books warn you about. In particular, I committed the sins of the Four Horsemen of the Relational Apocalypse, a term coined by relationship researcher John Gottman. These are the four “red flags” that Gottman says exist in relationships that don’t stand the test of time. The more you have, the closer you likely are to an irreparable split. They are: Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

Please believe me, I employed all of these in my early relationships. I thought it was actually my job to point out to my romantic partners things they were doing that bothered and upset me. When they became defensive, so did I. Wasn’t that what you were supposed to do, defend yourself against the attacks of your partner? Contempt: I don’t like admitting it, but I allowed myself to nurse feelings of superiority and contempt for my significant other. And stonewalling – shutting down, withdrawing – yep, did that too, usually when my partner wasn’t behaving as I thought they should.

Somewhere along the line, before I read about it when I started my master’s in family counseling in my 50’s, I learned the antidotes to the “four horsemen”: Use softened startups, take accountability for yourself, create a culture of care and appreciation, and learn to soothe yourself. I more or less groped my way blindly toward these guidelines when I was with somebody I really, really didn’t want to lose, unless he’d be happier elsewhere. I was in my mid-30’s, by the way, and nobody taught me these lessons. They just seemed to work at keeping us both happy.

So often one of my clients will say, “Why doesn’t anybody tell you any of this stuff?!” It’s no secret, what makes good relationships. We have research that tells us the common characteristics of marriages that last, and marriages that don’t. Millions of words have been written on the subject. But you don’t start out at the age of 5 reading books and going to relationship classes. If only! You learn how to be nice and share, but then at home you watch your parents not be nice and not share. If you didn’t grow up with parents who got upset with each other in front of you, worked to resolve the conflict, make a good repair and promise each other to do better, then you are missing a huge chunk of life school. And how many of us had those parents? I can tell you: Not many. Not many at all. Hardly any.

But, again, not rocket science! If you want to, you can learn how to avoid the horsemen and prepare beautiful soil for your relational garden to grow in. You may, however, have trouble wanting to do the work. Maybe you feel it’s demeaning to you to approach your partner with humble kindness, to get a need met. Maybe letting your partner be wrong about you and refraining from defending yourself just feels wrong. Or you can’t help but believe that you are, sorry, a better person than your partner, or you just don’t want to calm down and share your vulnerable feelings with this threatening, terrible person. In that case, you may need a trained couples’ counselor to help you figure out why, and what to do about it.

So if you’re anything like me and didn’t grow up with the picture of perfect marital love in front of you – but would like to learn how to do this thing – please check out my 30-Day Relationship Experiment. In 30 days, for only 15 minutes a day, you can have the relationship of your dreams. You don't even have to do it with a partner. Learn the relational skills research has shown to work ... and improve your relationships with important others, and -- most importantly -- your relationship with yourself! It's completely free. Click here to get started!